I changed my spending habits; I stopped living the weekend routines I had for the past two years; I lost my gym card (I really rarely lose anything unless they were stolen); heck, I even started eating salad and making them for lunchboxes (I thought I would hate raw vegetables for life).
Because I work for myself as a self-employed now rather than being employed.
Because I broke up with my two-year boyfriend.
Because I don’t know whether I will stay or if I will go.
All this happened at the same time.
I am stripped away of all stability.
And I am free.
This freedom of having no one to report to apart from myself? It’s actually scary. So sometimes I worry about my next income source, occasionally I miss my best friend, and most of the times I don’t even try to make any plans anymore.
But I am aware, I am letting things that I never allowed to happen seep into the unseen space. On the first day of the last weekend of summer, I woke up late and went to the gym. Whilst casually eating a snack and enjoying the sunshine, I followed a cute guy with American accent and his friends all the way from Tesco until they disappear into the flats opposite my house, and giggled at the idea of it. I finished reading Guardian Weekend and boy it has been a while since I had the headspace to finish a piece of reading from top to bottom in one go.
There are new things that make me smile, people around me that I appreciate more, and the spontaneity that I fully embrace.
The ideas of “success” and “good life” changed. I don’t know how I would be defining this period of time in retrospect, but I am pretty damn sure one day I will be proud of it. Very proud.
Because I am free, and trying.